My New Sexy Pheremones

 

I’ve read so much about pheromones and, whether I’m certain they exist or not, I do know that certain perfumes cause sexual arousal. This has happened with three of my own perfumes—perfumes that have sent those who smell them directly into the bedroom. One perfumer said that my oud was the only aphrodisiac in his life except the smell of his wife. Erogenic smells always have a little bit of funk. I’ve gotten this effect with oud (which sometimes smells like Roquefort) and various combinations with tobacco. I also use musk, but since artificial musk has little resemblance to the natural product, I’ve added funky compounds to give it animal aspects. There are those who smell it and suspect I’ve put something natural in it.

When using these smelly things, they must be kept just below the level of consciousness. Often the aroma of animal compounds doesn’t show up until the perfume is applied to the skin. In my own experience, there are many natural essential oils and absolutes—osmanthus comes to mind--that smell floral or fresh out of the bottle, but turn animalistic on the skin. In most cases this is ok and may precede the ultimate dry-down—when a product intensifies the smell of your own skin and makes it very sexy.

One of my new pheromones is derived from truffles and makes pigs go wild. Since it seems that pigs and humans have many traits in common (especially in the metaphorical sense), it’s at least worth experimenting with. What I find interesting is the quality of some animal products to enhance the aroma of whatever it is they are with. This is true with truffles in cooking. It’s not so much the flavor of the truffle (although there’s nothing to complain about), but the quality of enhancing the foods it accompanies. An omelet will taste more like eggs, cream more like cream, and chicken more like chicken. It makes sense that truffle-like compounds (i.e. pheromones) also enhance the aromas around them, such as perfume and the skin of those who wear it.

Three weeks after ordering my pheromones, a small registered package arrived from Thailand. It contained three compounds: androstenone (derived from men’s armpits), beta-andrestenol (derived from truffles), and copulins (from female sex glands). They come in dilutions of 1000 parts per million, which is .001%. To use them, they are supposed to be diluted another 10 times, so they end up at .0001%. Higher concentrations are supposedly detectable (although I find little odor when I sniff the bottles) and hence should be avoided.

To test them, I’d need a large sample of couples to smell the stuff and then report their activities afterward. Being that this is impractical, I’m going to have to rely on anecdotal reports.

All of this brings to mind a crazy idea. What if perfumes were designed to attract one sex or another? My oud, for example, has no gender identity, it’s just oud. But, I could add female attractants to attract straight guys and lesbians, and male attractants to attract straight females and gay men. Two versions. And what if I add both?